Brokenness. What does it mean? To be sad, to fall apart, to mourn, to be unsure of why you’re here? In my opinion, yes and no. People think they are broken when horrible things happen. People also think they’re broken when they have the perspective that they’ve lost in life. My perspective is a little different.
Growing up, I thought I was the definition of broken, which by the way, is “reduced to fragments; ruptured, torn, fractured, out of working order.” (Dictionary.com). When I was two, the abuse began. It continued until I was twelve. I aged thinking that I was “the black sheep”, “the family scapegoat.” Then, in my early twenties, I lost my first living child ten hours after she was born. At that point, I was decimated. But now I realize I still wasn’t broken.
Twenty six years later, I just buried my second daughter. I have learned what broken really means. It means your will, your perspective on life, has been crushed into powder. You have no will left. What it means is that all old mindsets have been destroyed and you are forced to create new ones. Broken is BROKEN in every sense of the word. You don’t know who you are anymore, everything that you held as truth is no longer ringing true and you have no preconceived notions to fall back on. You’re in uncharted territory. You’re a babe in a very new, large, scary woods. You are truly BROKEN.
Brokenness is a state of renewal. It is the most raw, deeply pained position in existence on this planet. It is the existence of nothingness. But nothingness is a place ripe with potential.
When new recruits join the military, they are put through tremendous pressure. The concept behind it is “breaking the will to form a warrior.” And, to be honest, the brokenness I’ve been feeling is precisely that..and then some. There is no way out but UP. You can’t fall further, you can’t go deeper. You can only climb up. And the climb can be exceedingly painful…one tiny step at a time. Brokenness is a state where you can’t focus on being broken because you’re so far down that if you only think of your brokenness, you WILL quit. No doubt about it. You are forced to look up, to turn to the light and to rebuild yourself one moment at a time. You must relearn, you must form new truths, you must fight to survive by staying positive and reminding yourself that your ego has been destroyed. An example of the positive side of brokenness? You are grateful your ego has been destroyed so that you can build a new you from the inside out. Literally. If you focus at all on how hard it is, you’re guaranteed to fail…and fail big time. Why is it a good thing your ego has been destroyed? Because your ego is a lie. It’s not who you really are. And that’s the beginning of a whole new life.
I’m sure many of you can relate to what I’m saying. I have finally reached my brokenness. If you have too, you’re not alone. In your own strange sense of newness of life, embrace it. It will lead you to ultimate heights if you let it. After all, it is our deepest desire to prosper. Brokenness forces us to do it. And do it big.