What Does It Mean To Be Broken?

Brokenness. What does it mean? To be sad, to fall apart, to mourn, to be unsure of why you're here? In my opinion, yes and no. People think they are broken when horrible things happen. People also think they're broken when they have the perspective that they've lost in life. My perspective is a little different.

Growing up, I thought I was the definition of broken, which by the way, is "reduced to fragments; ruptured, torn, fractured, out of working order." (Dictionary.com). When I was two, the abuse began. It continued until I was twelve. I aged thinking that I was "the black sheep", "the family scapegoat." Then, in my early twenties, I lost my first living child ten hours after she was born. At that point, I was decimated. But now I realize I still wasn't broken.

Twenty six years later,  I just buried my second daughter.   I have learned what broken really means. It means your will, your perspective on life, has been crushed into powder. You have no will left. What it means is that all old mindsets have been destroyed and you are forced to create new ones. Broken is BROKEN in every sense of the word. You don't know who you are anymore, everything that you held as truth is no longer ringing true and you have no preconceived notions to fall back on. You're in uncharted territory. You're a babe in a very new, large, scary woods.  You are truly BROKEN.

Brokenness is a state of renewal.  It is the most raw, deeply pained position in existence on this planet.  It is the existence of nothingness.  But nothingness is a place ripe with potential.

When new recruits join the military, they are put through tremendous pressure.  The concept behind it is "breaking the will to form a warrior."  And, to be honest, the brokenness I've been feeling is precisely that..and then some.  There is no way out but UP.  You can't fall further, you can't go deeper.  You can only climb up.  And the climb can be exceedingly painful...one tiny step at a time.  Brokenness is a state where you can't focus on being broken because you're so far down that if you only think of your brokenness, you WILL quit.  No doubt about it.  You are forced to look up, to turn to the light and to rebuild yourself one moment at a time.  You must relearn, you must form new truths, you must fight to survive by staying positive and reminding yourself that your ego has been destroyed.  An example of the positive side of brokenness?  You are grateful your ego has been destroyed so that you can build a new you from the inside out.  Literally.  If you focus at all on how hard it is, you're guaranteed to fail...and fail big time.  Why is it a good thing your ego has been destroyed?  Because your ego is a lie.  It's not who you really are.  And that's the beginning of a whole new life.

I'm sure many of you can relate to what I'm saying.  I have finally reached my brokenness.  If you have too, you're not alone.  In your own strange sense of newness of life, embrace it.  It will lead you to ultimate heights if you let it.  After all, it is our deepest desire to prosper.  Brokenness forces us to do it.  And do it big.

Brokenness

There is nothing worse than the feeling of a dry, barren soul. A spirit that is broken. Bare and lonely, empty and despised.

When we feel that nothing can help us, that life will never get better, that is when we need refreshing. Many of us feel that we need a vacation, and maybe we do. But a vacation will never permanently rejuvenate us. We feel like a desert; dry and barren. Like a land that needs rain to seep into our pores for weeks on end. But there is no rain.

Nature can refresh. So can loved ones. But the biggest refresher is God. Only He can fill the dry, empty cracks inside of us. We can seek to find relief anywhere else and it will never fully recharge us.

So the question is: where can we find God? The answer: in your heart. He's not in a building. He's not in any specific place. He's everywhere around....in the trees, in the breeze, on the face of the person who smiles at you at the grocery store. He's in the helpfulness of the man who holds the door open for you and in the woman who tells you she loves your hair. He's everywhere. His essence can't be held by any specific thing for He's omniscient, omnipotent and omnipresent. That's the beauty of God. He's everywhere all the time. He even sings to you through music. He tells you He loves you when you feel the peacefulness of an ocean roaring. He fills your heart as you listen to birds chirping happily in the trees. And when you read His word, the Bible, you find out just who He is and what he stands for.

As in any relationship, you must know Him. Just as you build a relationship with your spouse, your children, your friends, you must also build a relationship with Him. The difference is, your relationship with Him will rejuvenate you throughout your entire life. It won't wax or wane unless you allow it to. It is completely up to you as to how well you get to know Him. And then He will fill your brokenness, your dry places like nothing else and no one else can. When you get to a point in life where nothing can satisfy you, that's when you will realize the beauty of God. For He can satisfy anyone. Anytime.

I spent many years broken beyond the point of repair. It was extremely difficult. It was excruciating. I didn't realize He could fill my broken pieces like glue. How I wish I would've understood so much sooner what He had to offer. I would've been able to mend so much more quickly. But, as roses have thorns, we have our problems. And sometimes those problems are necessary in making us change for the better. It's painful. That's why I'm sharing this with you. So you know there is a solution.

Focus on Him. He is the way, the truth and the life. He is the solution. For everything. We just need to trust Him to light the way.  For only He knows how to enlighten our understanding in just the right way to make us take notice.  Only He can fill in the cracks of our desperation and need.  And only He can give us peace to make our despair disappear.  He is the ultimate answer.