Glory Be To God

Image by Karina Cubillo

Image by Karina Cubillo

I believed we’d live out this life together.

I look at your picture-bright blue eyes brimming with adventure,

Your passion for life glowing purposefully from within.

A beautiful soul of love and trust, hope was your anchor.

You knew tomorrow would always be a brighter day;

A nature child who loved to walk in the woods and swim in the rain.

You felt a kindred spirit in every living thing,

Whether it was human, animal or something from the natural world.

You beheld every sunrise as a unique painting created by angels;

You, my muse, my purpose, my true love.

I trusted that we’d be together, that youth overcame

Hardship, disappointment and sickness.

I knew in my heart that a loving God would never take another of my children.

But I was wrong. He took you.

At first the devastation forged rivers of anger, disbelief and mistrust to my core.

Why were two of my children buried side by side in a graveyard,

When children are the lights of parents’ hearts, the promise

That elderly parents wouldn’t spend their final years alone?

My anger became despair; a sadness so deep

That I had to distract myself minute by minute so that I wouldn’t give up.

I had to fight to be there for my only child left to live out this pain with me;

Now the only child with no siblings to confide in, laugh with or grow old with.

My only child trying to raise a child of her own, putting on a mask of bravery every day,

When her soul is ripped to pieces right along with mine.

I knelt before God, asking why? Why again?

I heard an answer in my heart. “I understand. I too lost my son. My only child.”

I was reminded of a passage of scripture:

There is a time for everything under the sun. A time for mourning, a time for dancing,

A time to sow and a time to reap.

And then, like a golden thread weaving through my consciousness,

Hope stirred within me as I perceived the understanding that

The Lover of my soul is not the God of the dead, but the God of the living.

When darkness comes to call, I know the battle has already been won.

All things will work out for good. I need only trust, hope and believe.

An easy earthly life is not promised, but an abundantly blessed eternal life is.

Glory be to God!

Guest Post: Grief and Sleep: 4 Ways To Get Back To Sleep After A Painful Loss by Sara Bailey

Today I have the privilege of introducing you to Sara Bailey. She, like me, has recently gone through a painful loss. Her loss was her husband.She approached me about writing a piece for my blog and I gratefully agreed. As you may know, I just wrote a book about the loss of my precious daughter entitled Finding Hope In The Darkness Of Grief. Sara, too, is in the process of writing a book about her experience.

Loss is very difficult. And so is being able to relax and move on. So, without further adieu, here is Sara's article. I hope you enjoy it!

Recovering from the loss of a spouse or a partner is a long — and often lonely — journey. Regardless of how much support you have, there will be times you have to face the grief alone, and night time is one of them. Loss of sleep is one of the most natural — and also frustrating — symptoms of grief. While trouble sleeping in the first few days or even weeks is very common, you shouldn’t have to sacrifice your sleep to your grief. Here are a few tips to help you ease the ache of sleepless nights.

Meditate to Let Go of Ruminative Thoughts

Studies show that some of our most powerfully negative and painful thoughts creep in at night. We don’t have the business of work, family, school, or other responsibilities to distract our minds like we do during the day. The grief, anxiety, anger, and sadness — plus bittersweet memories — often hit us the hardest at night. Meditation is one way you can practice letting go of those thoughts. Plus, the work you do focusing on your breath and muscles can also help ease your body into sleep. There are several different kinds of meditation you can try. In guided meditation, a narrator guides your mind through a journey to a state of mind you’d like to achieve or a goal you want to accomplish. You could also try a progressive muscle relaxation meditation where you tense and then relax each muscle in your body, slowly and methodically, from your head to your toes to help bring you comfort.

Renovate Your Bedroom for New Memories

Your bedroom may hold memories of your partner that keep you up at night. Memories are powerful ways to keep our lost loved ones alive, but they can also keep us stuck, blocking us from moving through the pain. Consider a bedroom remake to help you feel like you are in a new space. Start with your bed, especially if your mattress is older and needs replacing anyway. You can save time and money by purchasing a mattress online instead of in a store, which usually comes with a generous trial period so you can make sure you’ve made the right choice. Once you’ve chosen a new mattress and bedframe, you can paint the walls a new color — soothing blues and greens work wonders for sleep — and hang a few blackout curtains, which will keep excess light out, signaling to your body it’s time to rest.

Start a Regular Exercise Schedule

Getting at least 30 minutes of moderate exercise every day will make a major impact in the quality of your sleep. Physiologically, your body needs sleep to recover and rebuild, and exercise further encourages that process. Your mind and body will need to spend more time sleeping and will require better quality sleep. On top of that, research has shown that exercise is a positive coping mechanism for managing stress, anxiety, and depression — three emotions you are likely to feel as you move through the stages of grief. The endorphin surge and physical exhaustion you feel when you exercise is an unmatched mind-body boost.

Get Gadgets (Not Gimmicks!)

In a world that emphasizes immediate gratification, there are a lot of gimmicks out there that will try to “guarantee” you better sleep. Trust your intuition and approach these get-sleep-quick gadgets with caution. Be sure to look for sleep-aiding technology that is reviewed and approved by sleep professionals and organizations with solid reputations. For example, the Aura is a sleep tracker that offers light therapy, sleep programs, and wake-up programs. If you purchase sleep tech, be sure it comes with a trial period or a money-back guarantee so you don’t waste your hard-earned cash on a product that’s not right for you.

There is no set timeline for mourning; taking it slowly might seem frustrating, but it could also be a better long-term solution. You can build back a regular sleeping pattern over time if you take it slow, plan for sleep with intention, and focus on mind and body.

If you enjoyed Sara's post, you can find her at http://thewidow.net/

Thanks for taking a moment to stop on my blog.  Have a blessed day!

Never Goodbye

You gave me your heart, I gave you my soul; Your love and laughter, Made me whole;

Nearly nineteen long years, You graced my life; Til the reaper came, With sickle and knife;

Your silence is stunning, Your absence extreme; Every second of every day, Is crushing and mean;

My daughter, my love, The wind in my sails; Taken from me abruptly, Snuck through heaven's veil;

How am I expected, To continue living, When all around me, Is pain and misgiving?

In still, ebbing moments, I remember your voice; Your laugh, your whisper, In this deep, numbing void;

That has become, My new sentence to bear; When all I want, Is to have you back here;

You were everything precious, A sweet gift from God; That was ripped from my grasp, Buried under the sod;

I love you, I break for you, You're the blood in my veins; I beg for an answer, To make life seem humane;

But I know oh too well, The truth of this dark place; I will miss you until, We reunite in God's grace.

It Wasn't Her

I saw her in the casket, lying peacefully, wearing the animal print dress she had wanted so badly four years before. We had walked around the store and she followed me, crying, wailing uncharacteristically, for me to buy her the dress. "Why are you acting like this?" I was irritated. I was so irritated, in fact, that I felt like flinging her across the aisles.

"I want this dress!" she wailed.

"You never act this way. You're a good kid. Calm. Peaceful. The total opposite of your sister. But now? You're acting like a monster! I already have $400.00 worth of clothes in this cart for you both. I can't afford any more. These prices are outrageous! This is why I buy everything at Goodwill!" I stared at her, beyond frustrated.

She insisted on getting the dress. Of course, I caved.

My younger daughter was the peaceful one of my two kids. She was the easygoing one. The one who gave loving advice and huge bear hugs. The one who told everyone that everything would be okay.

Now I was staring at her lifeless body, her cold, hard shell lying in a casket lined with pink satin fabric-her favorite color. The body of my beloved child adorned with the animal print dress she had pined over in the store four years ago.

*****************************************************************************

We were standing in my younger daughter’s room a few days before.   My older daughter held the animal print dress.  “We have to put it on her, mom,” my older daughter insisted through tears and whimpering. “You know how much she loved it.  It’s what she would have wanted.”

“I know.  Do you remember how she freaked out about that dress when I bought it?” I wiped my eyes, wanting to join my younger daughter in her casket.

"Yes."

We both broke down. It was inconceivable that she had been yanked from us. Our best friend, our confidant, our love.

We carefully picked out jewelry to match.

"She'll be beautiful," my older daughter said. "Just like she'd want to be."

********************************************************************************

How will I live without you, Bubby Girl?  I can't do this.

I went to her, kneeling in front of the casket. I put my hands over hers, placing one of my best rings on her fingers.

You were with me when I picked this out.  My promise ring to God.  Now it's yours.

I stared at her face.  That beautiful, angelic face with the pouting lower lip.  Her hair had recently been dyed red.  It looked good on her, falling in soft curls around her cheeks and over her shoulders.

I want to be with you.  

I had been through this before.  I knew all about God and spirits, angels and heaven.  I just didn't want to acknowledge the pain.  It was then that I heard her voice.

"I'm not in that casket mom.  I'm still with you."

I felt the familiar salty tears fall from my eyes, down my cheeks and into my mouth as I wept.

I know.  I just miss you.  So much.  Every second of every day.

I stared at her, laying my head on the chest of her icy cold body.  I smelled formaldehyde.

"That's not me anymore, mom.  Remember.  Now I can always be with you."

In immense pain, I ran my fingers through her hair, hating the smell and the coldness of her body.

You're right.  It's not you anymore.  But I still love you and I always will.  You'll always be my baby.

I stayed with her a while more as the funeral director closed the doors to the people watching behind me.

I love you, Bubby Girl.  Stay with me forever.  Help me to keep writing and show me how to take pictures like you did.

"I will, Mommy.  I promise."

Never stop calling me Mommy.  I love how you call me that.

"I won't, Mommy.  Try to be happy.  Because I'm happy now."

I ran my hands over her fingers, those beautiful curved fingers that I used to hold in mine.  I got up and told the funeral director he could shut the casket.  As he did, I knew that my time with my baby wasn't over.  It was just beginning.

 

 

Death

death-poem-picture-by-diamante-lavendar You think life is forever, At least that's how it seems; Death is just a shadow In your deepest, darkest dreams.

We don't want to admit it, Or dwell upon the pain, But death is waiting for us In its own destined time frame.

Death will come and take you No matter what you say; Your time to leave's appointed In your designated way.

So don't try to deny it Or refuse to believe it's true; Live your life with purpose Until death comes for you.

-Diamante Lavendar

Flowers For My Baby

flowers-for-kelby-with-diamante-lavendar-written-on-it I miss you. Tell me you're okay.

Since I found you encompassed

Two weeks prior

In the gruesome sorrow of death's embrace.

 

I never thought

That once again

I'd bury my hopes

With another child;

 

Life with you

Was fun and vibrant,

Full of feeling,

Loving, wild;

 

I know you'd want me

To be tough-

To continue on

Life's lumbering pace;

 

To focus on living,

To cherish your memory,

To center myself on love,

Not hate.

 

Though I don't understand

What happened that night

When the reaper came

To the call of fate,

 

I know you'd want me

To persevere,

To feel your love

From Heaven's gates.

 

I am broken,

I am wrenched,

My aching soul

Screams your name;

 

But somehow I know

When I'm old

I'll be in your happy

Presence again.

 

Life's not fair,

Life's a test

Of wading through fear,

Sorrow and blame;

 

Show me your mercy,

Send me your trust,

That we'll be reunited

In Heaven again.

 

 -Love Mommy<3